Features

Living as a victim of biphobia

By Mark Duell
Published: 11/12/2009

Flag symbolizing bisexual pride.

"I hated it - I wouldn’t have chosen this at all," said Jess Hardy, a first-year Physics and Astrophysics student who has defined herself as bisexual for almost 10 years.

"The time when I actually realised was the most confusing and painful bit that I can remember," she said. "I wouldn’t have chosen that willingly."

Jess, from Rotherham, has never told her parents about her sexuality as they "don’t like bisexuals". Only a few people in her family know.

"My parents don’t mind gays and don’t mind straight people but they don’t like bisexuals. I keep quiet - they don’t actually know I’m bisexual. I’ve never ever told them.

"We just don’t acknowledge it. They don’t particularly like gays, but they say they can see how that works. However, the bisexuals are just ‘greedy perverts’ is a phrase they use a lot."

She is a member of the Sheffield Union Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans (LGBT) committee, who ran a campaign against biphobia in November, raising awareness of the problems and predjudices faced by bisexuals.

The LGBT feel the campaign will put bisexuality in the spotlight rather than being glossed over and because it often receives marginalised attention it is often extremely misconstrued.

Some bisexuals feel that a lack of understanding about their sexuality can be a big problem especially around friends and parents.

This lack of understanding could be put down to the myths and negative connotations which bisexuality can often have; for example, suggesting bisexuals are unfaithful or promiscuous.

Jess said: "Biphobia is the fear of bisexuals, based on that people think you’re greedy and don’t understand that you like boys and girls. I know a lot of people that do just say I’m greedy or basically a slag. But as far as I’m concerned I don’t see a difference between boys and girls at all.

"To me it’s a mystery how you can find just one sex attractive. To them it’s a mystery how you can find both. I’m quite happy to tell people about it."

The LGBT campaign included a film showing of Kinsey, which featured Liam Neeson as Alfred Kinsey - a human sexuality research pioneer who invented the Kinsey Scale for people to determine how straight or gay they are.

The Scale runs from 0 to 6, with 0 being exclusively heterosexual, 6 being exclusively homosexual and 3 being equally heterosexual and homosexual.

It allows individuals to self-evaluate how they perceive their sexuality to be, with a study finding 11.6 per cent of men and 7 per cent of women between 20 and 35 reporting a rating of three on the scale.

Jess felt shunned by friends and schoolmates after falling in love with a girl at her Catholic private school around the age of nine.

"The news actually got out that I had a crush on a girl. No-one shut up about it for the next two months and no-one would talk to me," she said.

"There were nine people in my school year. It was so small that you either got along with everyone or you didn’t - to either be with them or not.

"Then in sixth form, one of my friends refused to speak to me. Every time I saw her she kept going on about how bisexuals were ‘dirty slags’ basically.

This made it difficult for Jess to accept that she was bisexual.

"I didn’t want to admit it to myself because of all the stuff that has been told to me. I thought it was something you chose and something that was wrong," she said.

"I had a hard time with actually realising myself, because if you’ve been brought up thinking that that’s wrong and my parents are convinced it doesn’t really exist, then you wonder what on earth is happening to you."

Since coming to the University of Sheffield, things have got "a lot, lot better" for Hardy and she now feels much more confident in herself.

She said: "I haven’t had any problems with anyone at university. If things hadn’t generally got more accepting, I’d have been too shy to do anything. I’d have joined the LGBT and stayed in the background somewhere."

"I think it’s people growing up, getting more mature and realising not everyone is the same anyway. I don’t even need to call myself things - I’m just the way I am. I think you’re born that way - I don’t think I’m greedy."

A 20-year-old second-year bisexual student at the University has also experienced problems with telling her mother about her sexuality.

She had been with a number of boyfriends before falling in love with an older girl at the age of 15 and getting into a relationship.

"At the time I really liked the girl, but I hadn’t consciously fancied girls before that," she said. "I told my mum, she really didn’t like it and stopped me seeing her.

"I was really in love with her so it was not possible for me not to see her. But a couple of months ago my mum brought up the issue and said: ‘You’re old enough now to make your own decisions. I want the best for you and I don’t think this is the best for you, but it’s your choice and if you’re happy with it then that’s fine.’

"But she’s still not happy about it and doesn’t want to meet my girlfriends.

"I’m grateful that she’s been accepting of it at all - because there was a point where originally she said: ‘You can stop it or leave the house’."

The student, who wishes to remain anonymous, said her friends stayed loyal even when she was having problems with her mother over the relationship.

"I was forced into a situation by my mum where I wasn’t allowed to have girlfriends and had to keep that whole part of my life secret.

"My friends were all really supportive. My mum was the first person I told and then her over-reaction to it made me think I shouldn’t tell anyone else.

"But they were all absolutely fine with it - I haven’t really experienced biphobia from my friends apart from the occasional flippant comment."

There is also the presumption that someone is either straight or gay. If a girl is with a girl, people presume they are lesbian and if a girl is with a boy they are presumed to be straight.

And if someone is seen to be dating males and females, the common opinion from straight people is they are just experimenting and from homosexual people that the person is progressing to homosexuality.

The Against Biphobia campaign aimed to educate people about the spectrum of human sexuality and the LGBT Committee found many students thought the issue deserved more attention and awareness.

Biphobia can mean bisexuals are significantly under-represented and experience bullying, harassment and discrimination from both gay and straight communities.

The 20-year-old student’s mother hopes she will eventually become straight, but the girl does not know what will happen in the future.

"Now she’s become a bit more tolerant but it’s still a case of ‘hopefully because you still like boys, there is some hope you will be straight one day.’

"Since I’ve felt that I liked girls and boys, it tends to swing between being more for one and then the other. There’s no massive divide in my life between the two.

"I like to theorise that I don’t like people because of their gender - I like them because of who they are.

Whoever I end up with, I want to be happy. I see sexuality as a fluid thing and I believe everyone is a little bit curious."

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